Back to Center: How can people call themselves Christians and believe that these things are okay?

The purpose of the “Back to Center” advice column is to provide perspectives for personal realignment and empowered living in these tyrannical times. Sarah encourages you to reach out to her with requests for advice about self-development and emotional and mental well-being. Please send your questions to advice@aflds.org. Anonymous and secure. Looking forward to hearing from you!

For all other inquiries, please direct your questions to info@aflds.org.

I've been thinking a lot recently about my friends who turned their backs on me because of my views on COVID and my decision not to get the shot. Several of them refuse to speak to me anymore. Some of these were friends I had had for years. 

I had always thought they were good people - kind, understanding, non-judgmental - and that our friendships were strong enough to weather challenges and differences of opinion. But now I'm seriously questioning how I can ever trust myself to be a good judge of character again; clearly, I didn't do such a good job the last time around. How can I know who to trust going forward?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through with your friends. Far too many have experienced ostracization by friends and family members over COVID. The damage to relationships has been deep and powerful. 

I notice in your message that you seem to feel that you are in part to blame for what happened between you and your friends—that you didn't choose the right kind of people to build relationships with, that you're not a good judge of character. I don't know all the details of what went on, but it sounds like they were the ones who made the decision to cut ties.

You may very well have chosen quality people to have in your life as friends. You may actually be an excellent judge of character. The thing is that sometimes “good people” make really bad decisions. Sometimes good people are swayed by their fears, by misinformation, by confusion, and do things that are out of line with who they really are at heart. Even the kindest, most loyal people out there make mistakes. And the insanity of the COVID experience was enough to drive the best of us a little bit, well, insane. 

I'm not trying to excuse your friends' behavior in any way. I'm trying to point out that if you were shocked by their callousness in cutting you off over the fact that you held different opinions and made different decisions—if this behavior seemed out of character for them—that probably signifies that there wasn't really a way to see this kind of thing coming in your relationships. It wasn't about you choosing your friends poorly; it was about good people making poor choices.

So, what to do when considering new relationships going forward? Simply do your best. People are complex, and no one is infallible. Don't go looking for the perfect friend—they're not out there. All you can do is look for people who exhibit the kind of qualities you're looking for in a friendship—I encourage you to write them down for yourself—and see what time brings in the relationship. Getting close to people and letting them get close to you requires vulnerability, trust, and a leap of faith. It is a risk. You have to decide for yourself if it's one you feel is worth taking. 

This is also a prime opportunity to think about what kind of friend you want to be. What do you want to bring to your relationships? How can you utilize the painful experiences you've been through with people to show up in a better way for your friends (i.e. If you felt misunderstood, how can you be more understanding with others? etc.). All painful experiences bring hidden gifts along with them. Maybe the opportunity to become a better friend yourself is your pain's gift to you.

I truly hope you will find the kind of friends who will stand by you through thick and thin, and that you will be able to return that loyalty and love to them as well. All the best!

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One of my relatives and his family recently started attending church regularly for the first time. He and his wife haven't ever expressed much interest in religion or faith before, so this is a pretty big change. I was SO excited to hear this, being a believer myself…until I found out more about the church they're going to. 

Apparently it belongs to a denomination that accepts and supports the ‘LGBTQ lifestyle’, abortion, and other liberal values - !!! I was so disappointed to hear this, as I believe those values are in complete opposition to true faith and what the Bible teaches. 

How can people call themselves Christians and believe that these things are okay?? 

I've tried talking to my relatives about it, but they really like this church and don't want to look for another one. I don't know what to do…I don't want to come on so strong that I push them away from Christianity altogether, but at the same time, this is wrong! What should I do? 

Thanks so much for reaching out with your question. Wow, that is hard—on the one hand to feel so excited by your relatives' newfound interest in religion, but on the other to be so disappointed as to how they're going about it. It's probably especially difficult because your own faith is so important to you, and maybe this feels like an attack on something you hold dear.

It seems to me that there are two different issues to look at here. One is your relatives' religious choices, and the other is the larger issue of religious institutions that adopt non-Biblical values. I'll share my perspectives on each with you.

Let's start with your relatives. Like it (or half-like it) or not, they have the right to make their own decisions about what they believe and where they worship, the same as you do. Freedom of religion is one of the beautiful values upon which America was founded (one that's now unfortunately under attack.) It may be really uncomfortable for you that they are attending a church with a worldview that is very different from your own, but this is their journey; they've got to navigate it themselves.

I'm wondering, what could help you to release the distress you feel about your family members' spiritual choices, and trust them more with their own journey? How could you possibly focus in on finding the common spiritual ground between you to celebrate and enjoy together?

When it comes to the larger issues like support for sexually deviant lifestyles and abortion in the church, those may be areas where you can get involved in a way that is separate from your relationship with your relatives. You can write articles, participate in rallies and other gatherings, look for discussion groups of like-minded Christians in your church and elsewhere, and so on. You can choose to have a voice in these issues in a powerful, constructive way. Take that fire behind your intense “this is wrong!” feeling and put it into action!

The main idea behind what I'm saying is to focus on positive action you can take in areas you feel strongly about rather than focusing on trying to change or control your relatives' beliefs and practices. It's you taking responsibility for yourself, your beliefs, and your actions. That is the greatest way to effect the kind of change we want to see in the world.

I hope this is helpful to you! Wishing you all the best.

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Previous columns:

• ‘I’m alone for the holidays for the very first time'
• ‘What’s a formerly proud American to do these days?'
• ‘How can I extend forgiveness for all the COVID atrocities when it still hurts so much?’
• 'I long to help my daughter connect with God in these times'
• Is it irresponsible to think of having another child in today's world?
• ‘I want my son to have strong male role models’
• ‘Our son has secretly been in the process of gender transition’
• ‘I wonder if the sacrifices I and my fellow soldiers made were worth it’
• ‘I know Scripture approves of 2nd Amendment rights, but the idea leaves me uneasy’
• ‘I was an approval-seeking people-pleaser’
• 'God is a God of justice, right? Where’s my justice?'
• ‘I’ve tried my best to be faithful and live a holy life; now I don’t know what to believe’
• 'Kids gravitate toward honest answers, even when they’re tough answers'
• 'I used to be a pretty positive person, but the world is different now'
• 'Do I have an obligation to say something to my friend who is about to inject her one-year-old?'
• 'How do I respond to wild hatred?'
• ‘All my friends have abandoned me’
• ‘Who am I to build a better world?’
• 'The world does not have to understand or approve of your choices'
• 'I get tired and overwhelmed'
• 'I vacillate between feeling inspired and useless'
• ‘I pity the people creating the lies’
• ‘The anger and hurt feelings are costing you too much’
• ‘People who once treated each other with so much love and kindness are now at odds’
• ‘Struggling with my relationship with God since COVID’
• 'I have lost confidence in our healthcare system, including my own personal doctors'
• 'Can you forgive yourself for the years you couldn’t be there with your daughter?'
• 'My wife is willing to take the sacrifice for her sister and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it'
• 'I deeply regret taking the vaccine'
• 'Married 39 years and I thought we were on the same page when it came to things that mattered most'
• ‘How do I repair this relationship or accept that I may never see my son again?’
• ‘How can I stop fear from controlling my every thought and ruining my dreams?’
• 'How can I pursue my dream to find the person to marry, when it's so hard to connect with new people because of COVID?'
• 'How can I feel safe these days?'
• Advice column premier: Back to Center

Sarah encourages you to reach out to her with requests for advice! Please send your questions to advice@aflds.org.  Anonymous and secure.

Sarah Perron is a Certified Transformational Life Coach. Her passion is to help people create a powerful vision for their lives, identify and eliminate anything that holds them back, and step into their own unique greatness and mission in the world. She believes deeply in the power of coaching to bring fresh perspectives, ideas, and motivation to anyone who wants to thrive in life. Sarah works with clients one-on-one and in group coaching programs and presents exciting workshops on self-development topics. You can follow her on her YouTube channel Find Your Fire.

You are invited to book a complimentary coaching call with Sarah! Please visit https://calendly.com/sarahperroncoaching/45min to choose a time that's convenient for you. She looks forward to meeting you!